[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
🤣😈🤣
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!