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Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?