Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Good morning, Twitter x
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries