do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Never forget.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.