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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Hank is one in a melon.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.