St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
is this a threat
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened