My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Hmmmmm
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Shark week, but for squirrels.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan