I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
You Might Also Like
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
So, can we agree on 4 or
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers