*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
who wore it better?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems