What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.