My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.