The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.