Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Friends that check up on you >
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
(yawn)
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My plans: 2020:
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”