When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts