I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.