Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out