Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
You Might Also Like
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Who called it baking and not making love
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Fight
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything