Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
this is uni
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin