I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now