My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.