My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
💯😂
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread