Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Received some very disappointing news today
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.