I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
umm…
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!