The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Rather alarming headline…
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Breaking news:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.