Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.