My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?