*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.