I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another