i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY