“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
jesus christ confetti not now
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: