Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Swedish for common sense.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.