Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy