HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
You Might Also Like
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
💯😂
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre