There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
You Might Also Like
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
What if the weather talks about us?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.