HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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i choose….tongue
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter