“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Mouse
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.