if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Happy thanksgiving!