mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don鈥檛 know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don鈥檛 even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
an edibles food truck and i鈥檇 call it the cannabus.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count馃槀
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don鈥檛 have to be forcibly removed from them.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could鈥檝e guessed I鈥檇 be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What鈥檚 Animal Crossing?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!