One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him