me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good