If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
wow
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child