How about daylight saves us for once
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
What about second breakfast?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no