My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on