The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*