Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
secret recipe
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏