birds and squirrels envy us
You Might Also Like
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
🤣🤣🤣
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.