These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Jesus Christ lmao
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats