Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right