[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz