There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
i prefer mine room temperature.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?